Whispers, Part 1

This is definitely not a blog I ever imagined I would be creating.  It's also not a blog that will be available to the public at this point.  Right now, I'm just writing, praying, journaling, and inviting a few family members and friends who know and share my heart to join me on this journey.

I remember a time when I did not want children, as well as the exact moment when the Lord turned my heart inside out with the desire to bring a life into the world someday.  After being married just over a year, I went to Moldova for the first time to serve at an orphan camp in a little rural town in the north.  I think it was there that the Lord truly revealed the blessings that come from nurturing and loving a child, and specifically, a child who had no one else to offer those necessities.   We had already decided that we would have kids, but no more than two.  We accepted the social stigma that we would have two of our "own" children biologically, and then if the Lord led us to adopt someday, we would, never really picturing that becoming a reality.  I went to Moldova for three consecutive summers.  Each trip added a layer of love, protectiveness, burden, and responsibility to my outlook on orphans.

Then, after an exceptionally tough year, we finally found out we were pregnant, and the next two and half years were spent bringing our daughter into the world, and attempting to survive the wild ride that followed her rather eventful entrance.  Finally, after three years, I was able to make my way back over the big blue ocean to see my kids in Moldova.  I was absolutely overwhelmed with the goodness of God in letting me see what an incredible difference it makes in their lives when we reach out even in small ways.  I was seeing the fruits of our labor first hand.

I came home with a restless spirit, discontent to fall back into survival mode, going through the motions just trying to make it through the day.  I had thought fleetingly of adoption many times since my first experience in Moldova, but never felt the familiar nudge (or whack over the head) that this was something we were supposed to plunge into head first.  But the idea began to linger in my mind, and then root firmly in my heart as the weeks passed after my return.  S and I had talked a little about the "timing" of baby number two.  Neither of us were particularly excited about starting at square one with a newborn again, but we knew we wanted N to have a sibling.  I didn't feel like our family was complete.  I kept feeling a firm prompting to broach the subject of adoption again, even though I knew I was much more open to it than S.

More circumstances came together and fell into place.  I no longer questioned if this was God speaking, but as the vision grew in my mind and heart, I hesitated to share it with S for fear of completely overwhelming him.  But like Jeremiah, His word was like "a fire shut up in my bones," and I could not hold it in.  So I spoke, timidly at first, and asked if he would be open to adoption knowing that this may well be our last child.  To my complete surprise, he was quite open to considering it and praying about it.

I left it there for the time being, letting the idea settle in his mind while I started doing mountains of research.  I wanted to learn everything I could about international adoption.  That ended up being too broad of a scope to get much in the way of specific information, so I started reading up on different countries.  Moldova seemed the obvious place to start.  It seems as much like home to me as America does, and those children are the sons and daughters of my heart.  But it seemed that was not what the Lord had in mind.  In fact, I was taken aback by the complete clarity in my heart that our child was not in Moldova.


To be continued...