Whispers, Part 2

Adoption regulations for different countries vary drastically from each other.  I spent hours glued to my computer reading about China, Ethiopia, Russia, Ukraine, and many more.  I had no clear sense of being drawn to any specific country.  Then one day (and I am confident that you will laugh at me for this), I was watching the Jungle Book with N.  She became obsessed with that movie for two days, which happened to coincide with my general research.  At the end of the movie, the little girl from the village came down to draw water from the river, and for some unexplained reason, my eyes filled with tears.  I sat there feeling like a complete fool, wondering why in the world I was crying over this.  It's not like we had just watched Mufasa or Bambi's mom kick the bucket.  Then it hit me: India. 

Last year, we had a man from Bombay Teen Challenge come and give a presentation to a small group of us from JMI.  We were exploring the prospect of partnering with them in their work in the red light district of Mumbai.  The issue of human trafficking is what had originally drawn me to Moldova.  We mostly do trafficking education and prevention with the girls there.  This ministry, however, was right in the thick of that battle, reaching out to girls and women who were still in slavery.  I wept silently through his entire presentation, knowing that my heart was already there.  This was not the year for me to go.  N was still very young, and I felt that I needed to make every effort to go back to Moldova this year to be consistent for the kids with whom I already had a close bond.  India stayed in my heart, but was put on the back burner for the time being.

But maybe the Lord's plan for me and India looks different than I originally imagined.  That would hardly be a first in my life!  I started researching adoption from India, and piece after piece began to fall into place from the age of adoptive parents to the necessary travel time.  I heard whispers of India everywhere I went, and found my stomach flipped whenever I saw an Indian child.  I began praying specifically about India, trying not to get too excited.  I wanted to hold onto Christ tightly and my own ideas loosely.  I prayed that God would infuse my heart with His desire for us, and remove any leading that was not of him.  The more I prayed and asked for clarity, the more strongly I felt drawn toward this country.  

After weeks of research and talking to many families who had adopted or were in the process of adopting from India, I felt confident in the choice of an agency.  I feel so blessed to already have the support of so many folks out there who were willing to pour out their hearts and experiences to me.  I was a complete stranger to most of them, but now I feel as if we are trusted comrades in arms, ready to plunge into the fray and lift one another up along this journey of a lifetime.  

I woke up yesterday morning with verses from Ezekiel 34 running through my head.  They are the verses I repeat to myself over and over again in Moldova, because holding on to them is the only way I am able to leave the country at the end of the week.  It talks about Israel being scattered and lost.  But this is the hope the Lord offers in verses 11-13.

"For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them.  As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep.  I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness.  I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land."

And my mind was opened even more.  What if we are supposed to have more than two children?  What if the reason we have not felt moved toward trying for another biological baby is because there are children that the Lord has already chosen for us from among the millions of the fatherless?  The majority of families that adopt want babies or children as young as possible.  Older children (meaning toddlers on up) who are still in the orphanages may be passed by simply because of their age.  What if the Lord wanted to gather our family from the nations?  Would I be willing to do that?  I don't know what the Lord has in store for us, and I'm not going to ask to peer down the corridors of time and spoil the mysteries.  But yes, if that is what the Lord asks of us, then I would gladly make room for one more at our table.  

But now, I get my first practice run at waiting in the realm of adoption.  The agency we want to go with requires a fairly hefty sum up front, which means we need to do some fundraising before we even apply.  In my mind, I would love to get the ball rolling, since adopting from India can take 2-3 years at this point.  However, S is still praying through all of this, and he's not ready to take the plunge yet.  So we're not announcing anything at the moment (which means no fundraising yet).  We're waiting and praying for God to unite our hearts around His plan for us and for our family.  And strangely, I feel complete peace about that.  I'm not generally known for my patience.  I'm zealous and impulsive, and the Lord has taught me about waiting on Him over and over and over again.  But right now, in this moment, I have peace.  I know in my heart that if the Lord does indeed have a child picked out that belongs in our family, His timing in bringing that child into our arms will be perfect.  Right now, we're supposed to wait.  I think S might be my spiritual barometer on this.  When he comes to me and says, "I'm ready to start this process," then I will know that it is truly time to move.  For now, I will keep praying that if my little girl is already in the world, our Father would watch over her and hold her closely until I can.  

Whispers, Part 1

This is definitely not a blog I ever imagined I would be creating.  It's also not a blog that will be available to the public at this point.  Right now, I'm just writing, praying, journaling, and inviting a few family members and friends who know and share my heart to join me on this journey.

I remember a time when I did not want children, as well as the exact moment when the Lord turned my heart inside out with the desire to bring a life into the world someday.  After being married just over a year, I went to Moldova for the first time to serve at an orphan camp in a little rural town in the north.  I think it was there that the Lord truly revealed the blessings that come from nurturing and loving a child, and specifically, a child who had no one else to offer those necessities.   We had already decided that we would have kids, but no more than two.  We accepted the social stigma that we would have two of our "own" children biologically, and then if the Lord led us to adopt someday, we would, never really picturing that becoming a reality.  I went to Moldova for three consecutive summers.  Each trip added a layer of love, protectiveness, burden, and responsibility to my outlook on orphans.

Then, after an exceptionally tough year, we finally found out we were pregnant, and the next two and half years were spent bringing our daughter into the world, and attempting to survive the wild ride that followed her rather eventful entrance.  Finally, after three years, I was able to make my way back over the big blue ocean to see my kids in Moldova.  I was absolutely overwhelmed with the goodness of God in letting me see what an incredible difference it makes in their lives when we reach out even in small ways.  I was seeing the fruits of our labor first hand.

I came home with a restless spirit, discontent to fall back into survival mode, going through the motions just trying to make it through the day.  I had thought fleetingly of adoption many times since my first experience in Moldova, but never felt the familiar nudge (or whack over the head) that this was something we were supposed to plunge into head first.  But the idea began to linger in my mind, and then root firmly in my heart as the weeks passed after my return.  S and I had talked a little about the "timing" of baby number two.  Neither of us were particularly excited about starting at square one with a newborn again, but we knew we wanted N to have a sibling.  I didn't feel like our family was complete.  I kept feeling a firm prompting to broach the subject of adoption again, even though I knew I was much more open to it than S.

More circumstances came together and fell into place.  I no longer questioned if this was God speaking, but as the vision grew in my mind and heart, I hesitated to share it with S for fear of completely overwhelming him.  But like Jeremiah, His word was like "a fire shut up in my bones," and I could not hold it in.  So I spoke, timidly at first, and asked if he would be open to adoption knowing that this may well be our last child.  To my complete surprise, he was quite open to considering it and praying about it.

I left it there for the time being, letting the idea settle in his mind while I started doing mountains of research.  I wanted to learn everything I could about international adoption.  That ended up being too broad of a scope to get much in the way of specific information, so I started reading up on different countries.  Moldova seemed the obvious place to start.  It seems as much like home to me as America does, and those children are the sons and daughters of my heart.  But it seemed that was not what the Lord had in mind.  In fact, I was taken aback by the complete clarity in my heart that our child was not in Moldova.


To be continued...