Adoption regulations for different countries vary drastically from each other. I spent hours glued to my computer reading about China, Ethiopia, Russia, Ukraine, and many more. I had no clear sense of being drawn to any specific country. Then one day (and I am confident that you will laugh at me for this), I was watching the Jungle Book with N. She became obsessed with that movie for two days, which happened to coincide with my general research. At the end of the movie, the little girl from the village came down to draw water from the river, and for some unexplained reason, my eyes filled with tears. I sat there feeling like a complete fool, wondering why in the world I was crying over this. It's not like we had just watched Mufasa or Bambi's mom kick the bucket. Then it hit me: India.
Last year, we had a man from Bombay Teen Challenge come and give a presentation to a small group of us from JMI. We were exploring the prospect of partnering with them in their work in the red light district of Mumbai. The issue of human trafficking is what had originally drawn me to Moldova. We mostly do trafficking education and prevention with the girls there. This ministry, however, was right in the thick of that battle, reaching out to girls and women who were still in slavery. I wept silently through his entire presentation, knowing that my heart was already there. This was not the year for me to go. N was still very young, and I felt that I needed to make every effort to go back to Moldova this year to be consistent for the kids with whom I already had a close bond. India stayed in my heart, but was put on the back burner for the time being.
But maybe the Lord's plan for me and India looks different than I originally imagined. That would hardly be a first in my life! I started researching adoption from India, and piece after piece began to fall into place from the age of adoptive parents to the necessary travel time. I heard whispers of India everywhere I went, and found my stomach flipped whenever I saw an Indian child. I began praying specifically about India, trying not to get too excited. I wanted to hold onto Christ tightly and my own ideas loosely. I prayed that God would infuse my heart with His desire for us, and remove any leading that was not of him. The more I prayed and asked for clarity, the more strongly I felt drawn toward this country.
After weeks of research and talking to many families who had adopted or were in the process of adopting from India, I felt confident in the choice of an agency. I feel so blessed to already have the support of so many folks out there who were willing to pour out their hearts and experiences to me. I was a complete stranger to most of them, but now I feel as if we are trusted comrades in arms, ready to plunge into the fray and lift one another up along this journey of a lifetime.
I woke up yesterday morning with verses from Ezekiel 34 running through my head. They are the verses I repeat to myself over and over again in Moldova, because holding on to them is the only way I am able to leave the country at the end of the week. It talks about Israel being scattered and lost. But this is the hope the Lord offers in verses 11-13.
"For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land."
And my mind was opened even more. What if we are supposed to have more than two children? What if the reason we have not felt moved toward trying for another biological baby is because there are children that the Lord has already chosen for us from among the millions of the fatherless? The majority of families that adopt want babies or children as young as possible. Older children (meaning toddlers on up) who are still in the orphanages may be passed by simply because of their age. What if the Lord wanted to gather our family from the nations? Would I be willing to do that? I don't know what the Lord has in store for us, and I'm not going to ask to peer down the corridors of time and spoil the mysteries. But yes, if that is what the Lord asks of us, then I would gladly make room for one more at our table.
But now, I get my first practice run at waiting in the realm of adoption. The agency we want to go with requires a fairly hefty sum up front, which means we need to do some fundraising before we even apply. In my mind, I would love to get the ball rolling, since adopting from India can take 2-3 years at this point. However, S is still praying through all of this, and he's not ready to take the plunge yet. So we're not announcing anything at the moment (which means no fundraising yet). We're waiting and praying for God to unite our hearts around His plan for us and for our family. And strangely, I feel complete peace about that. I'm not generally known for my patience. I'm zealous and impulsive, and the Lord has taught me about waiting on Him over and over and over again. But right now, in this moment, I have peace. I know in my heart that if the Lord does indeed have a child picked out that belongs in our family, His timing in bringing that child into our arms will be perfect. Right now, we're supposed to wait. I think S might be my spiritual barometer on this. When he comes to me and says, "I'm ready to start this process," then I will know that it is truly time to move. For now, I will keep praying that if my little girl is already in the world, our Father would watch over her and hold her closely until I can.
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