Nearly one week in to educating at home, and we are all still standing. Not only that, but we are loving it! I was in denial dreading a little concerned about taking this on, particularly when I am still having a difficult time with attachment, but this past week has convinced me that I did not hear incorrectly. This is what we are supposed to do, for this season, at least.
Sure, there are moments when I feel like putting my head through the wall. Sure, I've fantasized about putting JP on that big yellow school bus and having seven hours of relative peace, quiet, and productivity. But I will say, after reaching a place emotionally where I felt I was moving backward instead of forward in attachment, this has helped more than anything I've done in the six months we've been home to work on bonding.
It's given us focused, interactive time together; it's given me the opportunity to praise her progress and encourage her to keep practicing when she can't do something right the first time. It's helped to create opportunities for guided fun, which is also educational. While we still have free play time, there is less time that is completely unstructured, which leaves less room for mischief and confrontation. When we do have unstructured play time, they even seem more interested in being outside where they can run. I've even seen it minimize some of the constant, grating sensory behaviors that had me wanting to bury my head in the sand. We went three whole days without a meltdown (which is good considering we were having them daily for the past few weeks). We had one this afternoon, but it wasn't nearly has explosive as they had been getting.
And for me, I've been thankful in my own heart to see those little pinpoints of joy peeking through again... to feel for the first time since coming home that not only do I hope and pray for God's redemption, but that I am glad this is our story. That sounds like such a strange thing to say after fighting for so long to make this our story, but if you have walked this road, you know what I mean. You know how it feels to want to want to. You don't love based on feelings, and you don't parent based on feelings, but it sure is a beautiful thing to feel warmth in a heart that has been in deep freeze mode, even if it is only in tidbits. So I'm thankful for the pockets of grace I have seen this week.
And now, even as I finish typing this, it's time to go do some tough parenting again. That's ok. There are pockets of grace in these moments too.
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