Firsts

I remember, years ago when I was stuck in the wretched "waiting".  Adoptive parents, you know the desolate place of which I speak.  I often let my mind wander, imagining what life would be like when our little Lotus Bud was finally in our arms.  I pictured so many firsts: first birthday home, first day of school, first holidays.  I imagined those beautiful brown eyes gazing up at the Christmas tree, sweet face bathed in the golden light, a look of awe on her face.

My goodness, I'm not sure why I let myself get on the Expectation Train.  Real life is so very different from what I imagined.  I wasn't expecting to have to look quite so hard for the beauty, in her or in myself.  I thought I would feel such strong emotions at this, one of my favorite times of year.  I wasn't expecting to feel so hollow and worn.  But that doesn't mean the moments aren't there.  Joy and beauty are always there for those who are willing to look for it.  Some days, I don't seem to be very willing, but as relentless as that battle is, my Father never gives up on me.

Isn't that what Advent is, though?  The joyful anticipation, the expectancy?

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn 

Joy is coming.  Joy is here.  Emmanuel, God with us.  In the middle of the dirty manger, Hope was born.  

Hope.

Maybe this was our first Thanksgiving all together, and our first Christmas is coming.  But there will be another first: another day when I do feel an overflowing love. Another day when the beauty is so overwhelming that there's no denying it.  Looks like I'm still in the "waiting," even though my waking eyes look upon my daughter.  I'm waiting for God to give me his eyes for her again.  He did it once.  He can do it again.

O come, O come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice, rejoice

Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel