One Year

One year: That's hard to believe.  And I wish I had the brain space to write something deeply profound at this huge mile marker.  But it's been a heck of a day, and I am spent.  So here's the less than eloquent version of my one year memories.

What is the biggest thing I have learned over this past year?  That no matter how hard I try, I can't be everything this sweet girl needs.  I'm not always master of my emotions, or my attitude.  I mess up regularly.  But the moment I am willing to let go of the expectations I had for myself- how I would feel, how I would act- is the moment I am more than I could ever be on my own.  My Lotus Bud desperately needed a family, but more than that, she needed to know about her perfect Father, who has loved her before she was even knit together in her first mother's womb.  She needed a Savior, who is perfect in every way, and still paid her ransom.  She knows the Name of her Savior now.  And I fully believe that someday soon, she will welcome him into her heart.

This year... it's been incredible, unexpected, insanely difficult, and beautiful in so many ways.  I look back at the child we brought home, and the child I see now.  Yes, I still struggle with attachment, but I see a happy, energetic, well-adjusted six year old, who is thriving in her forever home.  Yes, I still struggle daily to see past irritating mannerisms, difficulty focusing during school or daily tasks, or temper tantrums because she didn't get her own way, but my mind and my heart are finally starting to accept our new reality.  There are moments when I feel true affection.  Nothing contrived or manufactured, just true affection.  It isn't happening as quickly as I had hoped, but it is happening.

I've learned that God has been giving me more than I can handle on a regular basis for the past three years or so, and that's totally ok, because it reminds me to lean on him instead of my own understanding and abilities (because, let's be honest... no one in their right mind would have singled me out for being awesome at this.  He is adventurous, isn't He?).  And I truly believe that He will bring something beautiful out of all this that I can't possibly wrap my mind around right now.  Isn't that what He does?  He makes all things beautiful in his time.

So, the first year is behind us.  We've gone from daily raging meltdowns to occasional pouting.  We've gone from swinging like a monkey off my arm (ouch) to sitting next to me on the sofa while I read a chapter out of The Chronicles of Narnia (yes, I still have to remind her not to pick her nose or elbow me in the chest as we do this...).  We've gone from a complete aversion to touch, to voluntary warm hugs and goodnight kisses.  From not knowing any English to reading beginning reader books on her own.  I don't know what the years to come will hold, but I look forward to more progress, healing, and attachment for all of us as we begin year two together.  

Soli deo gloria.