About two and half years ago, I went to Target and bought a journal to write about my pregnancy with N. Yesterday, I went back and bought another one to document this pregnancy of the heart. Many of my emotions are similar and just as surreal: joy, anticipation, anxiousness, wonder. At the beginning of my first pregnancy, before I could see or feel any signs of the little life inside my body, I constantly felt nervous, wondering if "Li'l Bit" was ok. I hated referring to our baby as "it," but I didn't know whether to say he or she. As time went on, I could feel her move, and we found out that the little dress I bought at 8 weeks pregnant on instinct would indeed get some use!
It is strange for me to think that it is entirely possible that our second child is already somewhere in the world. With that thought comes a myriad of emotions. Like I did with N in the beginning, I'm wondering which pronoun to use, although instinct once again tells me she's a girl. I'm also wondering if our little one is safe, but in a very different way. I knew as long as N's little heart was beating, that she was safe and warm inside my womb. This situation is requiring a different level of prayer and trust that the Lord is guarding and protecting our child. I wonder about and grieve for the mama that had to give her up. I feel a sense of urgency to get to our baby as quickly as possible, but I'm also anxious that I be well prepared to care for her in the very unique way she will need as an ex-orphan. Again, it's a different situation, but all of the mysteries and questions that accompany it, in the end, will boil down to our Father divinely enabling me to tangibly love our child the way He loves us: compassionately, unrelentingly, fiercely.
The only force that has ever kept me journaling consistently is my child, now, my children. This pregnancy is going to be a lot longer than my first, and there will be a lot of time lost with our little one. But I believe that the Lord will knit us together in spite of time, circumstance, and distance.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"
~ 1 John 3:1
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