Home at last

It's hard to believe that this time last week, we were somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean flying home.  This week seems to somehow have flown and crawled by.  

We were so excited to finally be home, and it was just beautiful to see how N helped JP to open up almost immediately.  The innocent love of a child is sometimes the clearest picture of God's own heart.  N immediately took her sister's hand, and they held hands all the way to the van, and all the way home.  The shyness faded away pretty quickly once we got JP home and she checked out her room and the playroom for the first time!  They were playing dress up in the princess tent almost before I finished my bathroom break.  When S made it home a few hours later, the first thing JP did was grab his hand and take him up to show off her room.  =)  It has been amazing to watch her watch us with N, and really start to see what family affection looks like.  Just within the past few days, she has willingly hugged us (not just "the lean").  She even let me kiss her goodnight last night.  Baby steps.  And we are celebrating every one of them.

I'll be honest, dear ones: Adoption is hard, pre- and post-airport.  I fought for this child, cried for this child, loved her with all my heart for over two years.  You can imagine how terrifying it was to finally be with her and realize those good feelings were gone.  I wasn't attached to her.  I chose love, but I didn't "feel" love toward her.  I felt fear, anxiety, deep sadness.  What if she always resented us for taking her from the only caregivers she could remember?  What if she destroyed our family life?  What if all of this was too much for N at such a young age and had a detrimental effect on her?  There was no end to the "what ifs" swirling around in my head.  I was so thankful for the adoptive mamas who reached out to me, even while we were in India to tell me that all of those feelings were completely normal.  And to promise me that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  If I ever have the chance to do that for another mama, I will count it as worth it, because I can't tell you how those women quieted my spirit with their honest, loving hearts.

And that's why I will never pretend that redemption is easy, but I will also promise to look for the little victories along the way.  There is much work still to be done, but there is much to celebrate as well, and I find myself stopping to give thanks in my heart over so many tiny things each day.  I have been praying since day one with JP for the Lord to give me a deep love for her, to cause me to see her as He does now that we have jumped straight into the trenches with her.  And do you know what?  He didn't wait long to start filling me with that love.  It's there, renewed every morning, renewed through every testing time and battle of wills, through little moments when she lets me comfort and be close to her as a mother should.  And for that, I am thankful.