We were not sure what
to expect when JP woke up on Tuesday morning, but after some initial
apprehension, she accepted a little breakfast and got up without a fuss.
We had to get her ready to take to the clinic for her TB test that
morning, and she was mostly cooperative.
She
waits very patiently both in the car and waiting rooms, and we have
spent HOURS in both of those places this week. She took the TB skin test
without even flinching. We came back to the room after our
appointment, and little by little made some baby steps forward. We got
out the balloons, and discovered that they do, in fact, span all
cultures. We got our first smiles through playing with them. What an
encouragement. Even though we had the head knowledge that attachment
takes a lot of time and effort, it's still hard not to feel like your
child will hate you forever and destroy your family life as you know it.
Perhaps that sounds melodramatic, but I promise you that the emotions
and hormones flooding through an adoptive mama's system are very much
the same as a mom who has just given birth. I have seen many
similarities in my feelings through this week to the feelings I had in
the weeks after N's rather traumatic entry into the world. Perhaps it is
not uncommon for new mothers to have a sort of "buyer's remorse", no
matter how their children enter their families, and no matter how long
and hard they prayed for those children. Or maybe that's just wishful
thinking, and I'm a Lone Ranger in those struggles. Either way, it's the
truth, and I won't sugar coat this journey and make it anything less
than it is. Joy and suffering so often go hand in hand. I won't
minimize the suffering, because it would also nullify the joy. Still, I
wouldn't mind seeing some blessings that aren't in disguise at some
point!
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